" A MAN'S VIEW OF DATING AND INTIMACY ~
...one of the biggest questions among singles is : when is the appropriate time for intimacy?
these interiews express several opinions on the subject.........

Part I.

"There are Things you Know - And Things You Don't Know -
And Things you Don't know You Don't Know-"


RELAX! There will be no man / woman bashing here! Finally a birdseye view of what men really think about the internet/real-time dating scene here in the city of Boca Raton!

The following commentaries were acquired during an interview process with 7 men from the Boca Raton area. The age range of those interviewed was within the age groups of 38-58 years of age.

INTERVIEWS:

Dr. Arlene- Can you tell me what dating is like for men in the Boca area?

John- (age 48) "I can tell you that it is like seaching for a needle in a haystack! Most of the women I've met have been pretty nice people, but there was just no chemistry....thats a difficult thing to define." "I mean, they were ok and all..but we just didn't seem to click.....a lot of women want to know what we do for a living and what kind of car we drive......you kinda get the idea that they're looking for the typical Boca guy with money."

Dr. Arlene- How do you feel about 1st dates..and what is expected of you/your date?

Eric- (age 39) " First dates definitely make me nervous- I've been guilty of completely blowing a first date...sometimes I wonder how I opened my mouth and inserted foot without thinking first!
There was this one girl that I really liked, however I somehow got off on a tangent about my ex-girlfriend and realized about 10 minutes into it that I had lost the window of opportunity for a 2nd date. She stated that she didn't understand why a man would "whine" about his past relationship when he was sitting there with her, and had a chance for a fresh start....why ruin it with discussion of your old baggage from the past....definitely a dating faux paux"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Arlene - How about kissing or touching on the first date in your 40's or 50's..?

Brian- (age 51) "I think it depends on the woman, I mean...sometimes you just meet that person where everything seems to click and its just the two of you in the room. You can kind of tell that they are feeling the same connection with you. If I take her hand and she gives me the "signal" which is either a look on her face, or some sort of response back.....i.e. reading my palm...touching me back...then I think its just fine..... I don't get the whole "ice queen" thing where women say they are being "mauled" on a first date...you know....if a guy is rude and crude and the woman feels like the "touch" is inappropriate...then she should say so....I guess there are some really rude dudes out there....I've seen it....you know...that kind of behavior in the local bars during happy hour. I guess it can be kinda brutal for women out there depending on the circumstances."

Dr. Arlene- Women often talk about the "re-connect" that they are seeking after a date. Specifically the 24 hour call back time frame...do you know what I'm speaking of?

Kerry- (age 56)- "Oh yes....believe me I've heard of that one, and believe me, I've been accused of not following through myself. Its a funny thing...you know...the line between feeling like someone is needy or whether or not they simply want you to show that you care. I think it all boils down to what that guy said in his book....'He's just not that into you"...if I was really crazy about someone I'd just met....I would usually call her the next day to say I'd had a nice time or even that same evening if it had really gone well. This crazy rule about waiting 24-48 hours to call someone is a game...and I don't like games at this stage of my life. I don't believe in wasting time on that kind of stuff....life is short...and if I genuinely care about someone I've just met...I'll let her know in no uncertain terms."

Dr. Arlene- Many women claim that a lot of men tend to be like kids in a candy store when it comes to internet dating. The most often reported personal offense...is the multi-tasker dater....the man that dates them on Friday night and while telling them that they'd like to see them again....the man is back on the internet that same Friday evening. Its even been stated that the woman could hear the computer blings of emails coming in while talking to her date!Women often see this as an insult...and that the man is not that interested in them.....what's your view as a man?

Michael- (age 49) " I would never do that. If I'm interested in a woman...I concentrate on the woman I'm dating. I think a lot of guys just want to get laid. Hopefully a woman can kind of maneuver her way through this and separate the good guys from the bad. Simply put. It is like being a kid in a candy store. There are a lot of choices out there and a lot of different kind of people wanting different things from one another. Perhaps there is a general climate in this city...especially among our age group...that its ok to just "hook up" for the evening...I don't know if its this city of society in general....but I'm not looking for that kind of relationship. For me, I want to know who the person is and I want something thats going to possibly turn into a long-term relationship. I mean, why start something if you can't see any possiblility for it going anywhere. "
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Fun Flirty Facts -First Date and Dating Tips for Guys and Girls

"Flirting is good for you! Scientists have determined people who flirt benefit from a higher white blood count, which boosts your immune system and keeps you healthy.

Modern Flirting Involves Technology. A recent Pew Research Study shows 40% of the tech savvy adults flirt via e-mail or instant messaging. They also routinely send sweet and sexy text messages by cell phone.

Make No Mistake. Research has shown men tend to routinely mistake friendly behavior for flirting. Both sexes make the mistake of engaging in too much eye contact to the point of staring.
Know the Signs. Scientists have identified 52 flirting signals between women and men. These include breaking the touch barrier, paying compliments, duplicate body language and even flipping hair.Common Courtesy and Good Faith Beginnings. Here're some good rules for the road when you're jumping back into the world of dating:

Be honest about your single status and emotional availability. It's not nice to fib about your single status or intentions. Don't hurt innocent women or men who're emotionally honest and vulnerable. Remember, fibbing about your current status makes you a lowly coward. Lying about your emotional availability makes you a candidate for therapy.

Don't make up a lame excuse about why you're not going to follow up after a first date. Use common decency and manners. If you meet someone and don't want to continue seeing them, simply pick up the phone and say it was a pleasure to meet them, but you'd like to remain friends. Be honest and straightforward. It's good manners, good character and the other person will certainly appreciate your honesty.

Conversely, don't take a refusal to continue personally. Not everyone in the world's supposed to be attracted to you - and vice versa. Never sulk. And for goodness sake, don't say anything nasty to someone who said they weren't interested in you. Simply, move on, be gracious about it and look forward to finding your special someone.

Don't assume who'll pay for what. The tradition has been the man always pays for the woman. But, traditions are changing and some men are starting to feel taken advantage of. This is especially true if there's never any reciprocity, or if the dinners and outings are extremely expensive. Women and men should discuss cost sharing before going out.

Don't whisper promises and endearments, and then disappear. If you hit it off, great. Don't be too romantic and promise the moon, because each of us has feelings that can get hurt. Be honest, and be careful about what you say, when you say it and how you say it. Always remember: Would you want someone acting and talking to you like you're talking to them?
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The views expressed here are the individual perspectives of those interviewed and do not represent an overall opinion of all persons regarding this subject, nor the specific opinion of the author or this blog.

 

In these times of Internet Dating and the virtual world, much is often overheard simply standing in line at the local Starbucks. Usually the conversation goes something like this; OMG! I just had the date from hell!!! ...she was talking about someone she had recently met on the Internet. He was tall dark and handsome, but by the end of the evening, he might as well have told her that space ships had landed and he was an alien explorer! The conversation had gone into weird land to the point of no return.

I find these dynamics fascinating, not only as a Clinical Sexologist and Relationship therapist but as a researcher as well. In my line of work, I hear stories everyday of love, relationship and everything in-between. Most interesting is the fine art of Internet dating. I have always claimed that on-line dating is not for the faint of heart. The stories reported have run the gamete from deceit and treachery to stories of eternal love found on your local dating site.

Perhaps as an expert on relationship and the game of dating and mating, my point of view will be helpful to those of you that decide to embark on this fascinating yellow brick road.

One of the main issues that are disclosed most often, are stories of deceit. Even though most chance meetings of internet dating start off the usual coffee dates, etc., we are actually taking a chance on a complete stranger, wanting to believe their story is true and that the person sitting across from us is authentic and one of integrity.

One of the most poignant issues presenting the newbie dater, once they have passed the sacred number of dates, (usually 3-5) , is whether or not they should pull themselves off of the dating site they originally met on, while getting to know the person they are currently dating. I don't see this as all that difficult of a decision. It's not brain surgery to figure this one out. According to the Anthropologists and current researchers in the field of human behavior, all evidence points to the fact that although man is not naturally monogamous, we are indeed territorial. What does that mean for all of you currently out there in the dating arena in today's world?

Simple, even the Dali Lama has experienced anger and jealousy. If we are indeed, as the researchers point out, territorial creatures, then how can one possibly expect a potential partner that they are attempting to woe and seduce, into a real and meaningful relationship, to put up with such shenanigans as multi-task dating as though they have been hit with the DDD (dreaded dating disease) of Dating Attention Disorder!!!!!

My advice: For all of you wanta be Dating Gurus that can't focus on the one guy/girl that is currently in your visual path, honesty, integrity, authenticity and simple good manners goes much further than what you are driving or your good looks.

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This is a first in a series of blogs in which Dr. Krieger will be reporting on in relation to Internet Dating. An update on Dr. Arlene Krieger's latest work, The New Orgasm: Which Type Are You? out this Spring 2010 !

 

Some men are just oblivious and others simply seem to just get it and understand what we women are all about! It is a well known fact that the sexes are altogether different creatures. So hold on to your Iphone and take careful notes here guys!

Women in general like acknowledgment and loving affection, a person withwhom they can connect, relate to and most important of all, a person they can trust. We also need our men to be able to "Communicate." Yes I know, that is such a tricky term of art for men to grasp, so I'll make it simple and break it down for you guys.

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Women want to be able to discuss their life, their dreams, their hopes and fears. For every secret they tell you, they want you to tell them four more. Hopefully by the time you've dated for at least a month, women want to be able to feel the "we" of the relationship, which means that you would be using what I call "future talk" with one another.

This includes talk on the man's part of wanting to include the woman in his life to some capacity, i.e. introducing her to his friends, remembering specifics of her career, being spontaneous, wanting to surprise and please her, talk of future plans together for the holidays, summer vacations, in other words, letting your woman know that you can actually see a possible future for the two of you somewhere down the road! ( Im not talking about running off to get married at the the Elvis Chapel on the 5th date)

Although women can seem mysterious, they will show you what it feels like to be truly loved, as long as you're willing and able to accept the responsibility of a true and loving relationship. It is up to you, the man to show them that you and your feelings for her are real, and mean it! Your words must always be your honor. No excuses or sad stories for why you forget to call them on Saturday nights or are too tied up with your own life demands to find the time to pursue them ( no matter how hard it may be for you at times) with the desire of a man in love!

Compassion and understanding are also big on the list of Do's. Women like a man that is compassionate and understanding, someone who shows that he genuinely cares. It is important for a woman in this 21st century to be able to speak her mind without being considered to be "trouble" or a "princess"....respect for your woman's thoughts and opinions matter. Recognize her intelligence and strong points.

Even if you don't agree with her, find good points from both perspectives and learn to communicate. It is of utmost import for her to know that she is seen as a total and whole person in your eyes. Never cut her down or tell her she would be so much more beautiful ( or look 10 years younger) if only she would ; i.e. get her breasts enlarged or go blond! Find something unique her that no one has ever told her about before, and mean it. Women will see right through anything that is not authentic.

Hope these few tips for getting the girl that you deserve have helped! Just remember, you've gotta be the guy that she deserves and no less!!!!!

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Dr. Arlene G. Krieger is Clinical Sexologist with a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. She is currently working on her new book, The Simple Sex Guide, due out this coming Fall.