In a random moment the other day, without any particular agenda or pre-determined intent, I asked a friend what he thought of 'Love'. Naturally, there was the ever so slight guffaw and chuckle, before his response of, "oh boy." 

Those two little words rolled off his tongue with the same effect as my auto mechanic when he's standing over my car engine. Not sure if I'm going to get a simple answer, or be surprised with a need to bring auto parts in from Siberia! My seemingly simple question on "love" could have been received or responded to from various perspectives, though most consider love an ill-defined topic best avoided.

The action of love and the emotionality that comes along as a package deal is not as complicated as one might think. NOTE: From my professional stance, I believe that love is an action not a feeling. A growing body of research shows that our "love attachments" actually have a neurological foundation from whence these emotional attachments come. This scientific theory establishes a link between monogamy and oxytocin-the so -called love hormone that helps bind mates, as well as mothers and offspring.<br />

So then, what is it about the act of loving with abandon, without the disclaimers that so often are put up as barriers to feeling too much, or falling too quickly into this thing we call love? What horrible fate pray tell, may be awaiting the poor souls of the man/woman that gives too much or shows their cards too soon in love? Does the science of long-term bonds really play a part in the social dance of love?

In exploring this ever so timely question in today's world of a throw-away society, where lovers are exchanged as easily as shoes that don't quite fit right, let’s begin with the building blocks of relationship.

Statistically, the reports show that men talk about relationship with their guy friends just as much as women do, only differently. Whether one wants to admit to it or not, we do still live in a male oriented society in the western world. The old standards of who calls whom, when is it appropriate to call, does the 48 hour call rule still count, what will he/she think if I call too much, what the heck is too much, who indeed makes these rules? Let’s not even get into the notion of texting rules in this blog! That is an entire subject on its own!

Now first readers, you have to understand that I think relationship and sex 24/7; after all, I'm a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist with a private practice where all I do is work with persons with relationship, love and intimacy issues. How can one not think about love and relationship most of every waking moment considering my field of expertise? Every time a couple passes by holding hands whether 20 or 80, I wonder about their story. 

The "story" is everything in LOVE. It is the perception and belief system of each individual, merged with the respective partner's story. This coming together of two parties ultimately has to have a similar story in common for it to work. But then, who devises the "story" and who decides which parts to keep and which to throw away?

This is the part where it gets complicated, and when most of the couples I see end up in my office. We are all "storied" from the time we are small children. Someone in your earliest and most intimate of relationships, whether, mother, father, sister, brother, elementary school teacher Mrs. Smith, all the way up to the present has created a dominant discourse about you. You know what I mean, that you are either the cute one, the smart one, the one with personality and charm, the procrastinator, the smooth talker, the skinny one, the heavy one, the sad one, the shining star, the one that going to grow up to be president, the loser, the winner, etc. etc. 

The key here is whether or not you "buy into the story" or create your own story of who you are. This process also takes place when two people first meet. They bring their own stories to the table, but must co-create their story together as a couple in order to share a vision of a future together. This allows for mutual respect, love, adoration, compromise, care and fulfillment to grow in the relationship.

The largest jump that most couples must make is this joining of vision and ability to see the other partner as best friend and lover vs. the bad guy that is on the other team. The story is what makes or breaks the deal at this crucial point.

"I just had a date from hell", stated the man standing behind me at the local Starbucks this rainy Sunday morning. 

A date from hell, ahh I can relate to that experience myself. But just what is this experience that so many speak of? C'mon we've all heard both males and females complaining of their most awful dating experiences as being the worst ever in history!

So then, what constitutes a "worst ever" experience? The context differs based on the differences in gender perspective from those interviewed. 

First let’s tackle the No. 1 question of who pays for dinner!

From the Men: 
(these comments were made by men in the 28-62 year old age range, interviewed in the South Florida area)

The most common complaint is that women expect to be bought expensive dinners, whether the first meeting is a mutual attraction or not. Further, even if dating, many men often complain that they are expected to pay for all entertainment, dinners, etc. without any gratitude or reciprocity at all. 

I asked what "gratitude and reciprocity" looked like. Exactly what are these men speaking about? Well, in general here is what they had to say. 

1. We don't want to be expected to pick up the check. The woman should at least put her credit card on the table and offer to pay half, or at least pick up the tip.

2. Why should we have to pay for dinner if the woman makes the same salary if not more than what we are earning?

3. It shouldn't just be expected that the man pay for everything. I think a lot of these women are just gold diggers looking for someone to buy them dinner.

4. The woman wants us to buy them dinner but then won't even spring for a goodnight kiss or show us some affection.

5. What do we get in return for spending over $100.00 for a movie and dinner? Why should the man have to spend that kind of money every week on a different woman? In the internet dating scene, when you are dating around, it should be understood that we go Dutch and share expenses.

OK....NOW FOR THE WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW

When the same question was put to the women on this subject of who pays for what, this is what the general consensus was: (These comments were made by women in the 28-58 year old age range interviewed in the South Florida area)

1. Call me old fashioned but I think that when a man asks you to dinner, that he should pick up the tab. I mean, we talked on the phone several times, the man asked me out, and why should I be paying for his dinner? Its kind of a man woman thing, you know, the man picks you up, drives you out on the date, opens the door for you (yeah right) and pays for the evening if he is interested in you.

2. Well, I can't speak for all women, but I do expect for the man that asks me out to show me a good time and pay for either dinner, a movie, concert etc. Usually the guy makes a better income than many women and they can afford it. Many of us are single or a divorced woman with children to take care of and dinner out just isn’t in our budget. Whatever happened to good manners and the way it used to be in my parent's time? Back then according to my Mom, men were gentlemen and would never even mention money or what things cost for the evening on a date!

3. I'm so glad you asked me this question. I get this all the time from many of my dates. They get offended if after buying dinner and spending approximately 1 hour and 52 minutes with them, you are not either all over them or letting them put the moves on you. I can't believe it, they expect us to just go home with them for the evening and spend the night over. So who really has the sense of "entitlement" here? Is it the women because we "expect" the guy to spring for dinner, or the guy because he wants us to "put out" after he spends his money on us?

4. Oh gosh, I don't know. I guess it depends on the situation and the persons involved. There are so many scenarios possible. You just can't say it should be any one way. I personally believe that before even going out on the date, perhaps you should have talked over things like values, belief systems, and the way you both are as people. Too many of us jump into something, I have to admit I've done it myself, for the wrong reasons. You know, the guy is really cute, but ends up being a player or a jerk by nights end. I think women should spend at least as much time as they do when buying a pair of shoes in the decision making process of whether or not the "guy" is a good fit!

5. Why does a man buying you dinner give him the right to think that he can have his way with you? Most importantly, is he dating or buying you for the evening? Perhaps he should be on one of the 1-900 web sites and not on the internet "dating" sites. Where do these guys get off expecting that they are owed something after a date that they've paid for?

6. On the who buys dinner thing, I don't really know, it’s always a different story with my dates. 
One guy however, told me on the second date, that he really wanted to sleep with me. I told him that I didn't sleep with someone unless I knew them well enough to have developed some real feelings for them. His response? "You would sleep with me now if it weren't for the fact that you think I would think you were a tramp." Wow.....I couldn't believe what I was hearing from this guy. I should have just walked away and called a cab.

And there it is from my recent interview on: He said/she said

This forum only reflects the thoughts and opinions of this random interview study. I would love to hear from my readers around the world on this subject. Please let us know your thoughts and opinions!

OMG...is it true? Is chivalry really dead? It seems to be so, as reported in a recent interview and corroborated by several generations of the dating population. In this 21st century world of texting, IM's and internet dating, where oh where has the knight in shining armor gone? It seems his white horse has run off without him and left us women to fend for ourselves!

If only it weren't true, however the reports run steady across the board from those in their 20's to 50's. Most importantly, many men agreed that their peers were oblivious to many of the honorable dating rituals of times gone by.

This interview was done in the "dating trenches" of metropolitan South Florida areas, including South Beach, Miami, and the Palm Beaches. Just to make it clear that the men and women interviewed were not living in rural small town America, where I can only imagine that some of the niceties of romance and courting may still exist.

According to the men interviewed, it has seemingly become a pattern of behavior to "text" rather than make a phone call to their girlfriend. This was apparently the norm whether they were in a current relationship or just starting to date. 

It seems that the art of texting allows for a more casual connection. Without having to actually 
speak to the other person and experience the pressure of coming up with the right thing to say, this seems to provide for a safety net of sorts.

Has 21st century relationship become so mechanical and separated from the flesh and blood of humanity, that we now only want the quick hook-up without the intimacy involved in the dance of love and romance?